Cut the Shit

The Anatomy of a Friendship

***Whenever I create a post, I pick a saying to type into Google to find the best pic. Tonight I typed in “Curious Face” and this is what I found. ROFL with me, will you?

And now to the post…

Understand first that I don’t remember the last time I was so unnecessarily drunk. I’ve been a member of numerous happy hours in my lifetime, but for some reason, probably because I was sick and not supporting it, I went out and had drink after drink, mostly because it made my sickness go to sleep and my happiness go awake. I laugh. Cuz that was the most ridonkulous sentence I’ve written in a while.

I had one of the worst days of my “job” life today. When the fax machine broke 10 minutes after the Xerox machine broke…when at the same time I had a line of 20 students (no exag) out the door…when the people in my office feel as though THAT’S the appropriate time to talk to me about my Passover plans…and I’m sick. My head pounds, my stomach aches, and I hate everything that is within the body and mind of Joe.

At the peak of this chaos (aka bullshit), I, literally, shut the door to our “resource room” and I cried. Two people caught me in the act. The first one was the housekeeper (and is also my second mother) who proceeded to wipe my tears with a paper towel. The second was the bookkeeper (who I love despite all of my superficial attitudes) who told me that I was acting “girly”. Fair enough. Fair fucking enough. How could she even think that was ok to say? OMG. Fair fucking enough.

While I would have usually gone home and died sickly in my bed, I was desperate for some time with my friends. I went to this totally adorable bar in Hells Kitchen. There is this gorgeous outside area (which if you’re from NY and you’re a smoker, you understand that ANY outside area where you can puff is gorgeous), and couches and ambiance to the T. Or at least to the T on their budget. But that’s so not the point.

The point is…my friend Kelly and my friend Angie joined. All was going well and talks and laughs were had and suddenly, during the conversation about Angie’s birthday party, I became this monster. I truly can’t explain how it happened, but I can definitely recall the moment when it happened and I was unable to stop it.

Angie’s having her birthday party at my apartment. And the thing is…I somehow took that to mean that it was MY party to throw. I gave full thought to it and I mentally planned the food, the games, and the decorations. The thing is, Angie wanted it to be HER birthday and she had already given thought to it too. Go figure.

So when I actually talked to Angie about it, my controlling, TYPE A TO THE MAX, personality came out, and I actually put her into tears (cuz I wanted it MY way) and inadvertently forced her into the bathroom to clean her face.

Imagine my horror when I realized what I had done. Imagine the horror when Kelly warned me all the way through the conversation that I was going too far and imagine me ignoring that premonition and continuing any way.

To this moment (4 hours later) I sit here and beat myself up over the fact that I put my friend into tears tonight.

I apologized, with full dick turning into vagina, numerous times. I left the bar with Angie and smoked a bowl and apologized again. And then when I was leaving her apartment, I buzzed her and said “I’m sorry, again.” She’s over it, so why can’t I be?

Kelly, who knows me better than I know myself, took Angie’s side halfway through our birthday conversation. At one point, I raised my finger in her face and said “No”, and she sat there quiet. I continued, Angie got to the point of tears and Kelly kept trying to head it off at the past. But I was in the mode and I said “NO!”.

This is all well and good…

But then Kelly did the most remarkable thing…

It was ten minutes after my initial apology and I couldn’t stop bringing it up. No matter the conversation, I had to find a way to make eye contact with Angie and to say “I’m sorry”. I HATE to be the guy that makes his girls cry. And no matter how many times I said it, the apologizes were never enough.

Then Kelly said the one thing that made a difference.

In front of Angie and I, Kelly interrupted my apologies to say “You’ve said you’re sorry and now you let it go. It’s done.”

It may seem stupid to you the reader…but for me…having one of my best friends tell me that I was vindicated of my action to another best friend…it was everything. It was the only way I could truly allow myself to get past the fact that I put my friend in tears about a conversation relating to her birthday.

In summation (drunk people ALWAYS need summations to put it all together):

When I sit here and feel like I don’t have a family outside of the ones that are biological...I’m reminded of the family that I’ve cultivated right here in front of my face.

I’ve got my friend Rita, who I talked to for no less than 4 hours on Friday night…

I’ve got Angie, who loves me so dearly that she CAN be honest about how she feels and react comfortably to my bullshit…

My friend Kelly who watches me move through my life as though it was frame by frame…and can legitimately understand it, dissect it, and instruct me on the right path…or at least the path she knows I want.

Fucking shit.

I left work with puffed eyes and a headache and it’s now 10:30pm and I’m buzzed, with no pot, typing in my journal, playing with my dog, and learning a life lesson.

Tuesdays are the bomb bitches.

The A bomb. Sorry Iran.